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Mother's Day Letter To My Son
Sometimes the unplanned events in our lives turn out to be the best. There are some things that happen for reasons only God knows about. I know for sure because it has happened to me.
The farthest thing from my mind at age nineteen was having a baby. I had never wanted any children so when I found myself expecting one I was in shock. I had a huge array of feelings running through me but never once thought of ending the pregnancy. I had thoughts of things like,how can I be a Mom,how can I raise a child when I never had a childhood, how will I know what to do and most of all, will I be able to love him or her? The next few weeks seemed to fly by even though I still had my doubts as I hung my head over the toilet sick day and night. No morning sickness for me. It was more like twenty three hour a day sickness. But as the weeks turned into a few months I found myself talking to my baby and telling him/her that I would try to be a good Mom and then one day I just sat down in the floor by the commode and spilled my heart out.
This is what I promised my baby.
First of all, I promise to love you forever no matter what. I promise to try real hard to learn how to take care of you but you will have to be patient with me.I am new at this. I don't even know how to change a diaper or how to feed you.I don't even know how to hold a baby. I know that you are hearing me cry a lot and you know that I am unhappy and scared. I am not crying because I am unhappy about you. I know you hear all the screaming and I know you have taken a few punches when I got hit in the belly. I'm sorry I wasn't able to shield you from that. I will try harder next time. I have been crying because I am hurt a lot and because I don't want to be where I am. I am crying because I can't show my belly off to my family and friends.I am scared because of all the violence in our home. I am scared because I'm afraid you will get hurt. I am scared because I may not be a good Mom. I am scared because I don't know what is coming next. I want everyone to know how glad I am that I will have you to love me as much as I already  love you. I am crying because I want your life to be better than mine has been. When I finished telling you all of this I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.I believed that you had heard me and I felt like I was stronger and I could do this.
The next few months were hard. Almost every day was a struggle with so many things to learn as my body changed and as my home life changed. I stayed sick, I cried and the only time I smiled was when I would feel you kick and squirm around. That let me know that you were healthy and safe for now and that was what got me through those days.
On the night of June 15th you decided it was time to make your entrance into the world. I was so naive that I thought I could postpone it. I was not ready. I had not learned any of the things that a Mom needs to know. I still didn't know how to change diapers, change your clothes or even feed you. I was in a panicked state of mind. I couldn't get your Father to take to the hospital so I called a cab. It was a bumpy ride to the hospital but you were such a good baby that you were real quiet during the ride. Once we arrived at the hospital it seemed you had changed your mind and decided you were not ready for this either. With the help of a wonderful and caring doctor you came into this world on June 16th  and my life was forever changed.
I thought I knew what it meant to love someone with all your heart but I was wrong. When I first saw you little tiny face and looked into your eyes I saw my whole world inside those eyes. I felt the most intense love I have ever known. I started to cry tears of joy. I could not believe that God had given me a gift so beautiful, so innocent and yet so strong when you curled your little hand around my finger. That was the moment I felt that I was really a Mom.
I know your childhood was not easy but I tried. I had to learn as I went because I had never had anyone to teach me about Motherhood. I made so many mistakes and let you down so many times but you always had that wonderful charming little smile that could melt any heart.
As the years went by you always amazed me with your antics, your charm but most of all by your intelligence. You were reading by four and never slowed down from there. I saw my little baby turn into a brilliant young man almost overnight.
Today when I look at you and see the man you have become I am so very proud to say I am your Mom. I did not make you the man you are, you did that on your own. You accomplished far more than I could have ever dreamed. Despite having a Mom who did not know anything about being a Mom, Taking care of yourself while I worked two jobs and rarely having a Father figure in your life you became a wonderful,intelligent, funny and loving man. I could go on and on about all your good qualities but anyone who knows you already knows about them.
So as another Mother's Day approaches I just wanted to let you know what it means to me to be your Mom. I hope you now know that I am the one honored to be called your Mom. You, my son are my best accomplishment. I love you.