11 Temmuz 2012 Çarşamba
10 Temmuz 2012 Salı
9 Temmuz 2012 Pazartesi
Thinking Like a Christian, Week 4: Psychology
What is the basic nature of man?
Is psychology a proper area of study for a Christian? Does it have an appropriate place in a Christian worldview? Psychology is the study of the soul and the mind. Although a massive topic (you can get a college major in it), it is appropriate for a Christian to study; indeed, only Christianity is suitable to study it! No other worldview can answer questions related to the soul and mind as well as Christianity can.
Biblical Christianity contains a psychology, and it is worthy of our study. Since man was created in the image of God (Gen. 1:26-27), our worldview must recognize the significance of both the spiritual and the physical dimensions of man.
Psychology does have an appropriate place as a scientific discipline, where scientific observation is employed to study and learn about the mind. Much good work has come from such study. Unfortunately, much of "modern psychology" is filled with the biases of secular worldviews, and is consequently filled with error. This does not mean that Christians should entirely abandon psychology; instead, they should bring God's truth to its study.
Our minds are not merely physical objects; we have a "non-physical" part to our being. Our bodies may change and decay, but our minds remain continuous. Furthermore, man has a free will, which is an important element to consider in psychology.
Six areas of psychology are of importance in this lesson:
What is human nature? Man has a sin nature, which is a result of the fall (Genesis 3). This nature is inherently evil. When sin entered the world, man's relationship to God and his fellow man changed from what God intended it to be. Man has a natural tendency to rebel against God and His laws. Man's sinful nature is the cause of all psychological problems.
The doctrine of sin reminds us that each of us is responsible for his own behavior and choices. Mankind, because of sin, needs a Savior to give him a new nature.
What is guilt? Because man has rebelled against God, he has real guilt feelings about his rebellion; his conscience tells him that he has done wrong. Secular psychologists must devise ways to "explain away" guilt and its source. Christians recognize that guilt exists, and that it is a real consequence of sin, not a mental problem foisted upon us by our society or our environment.
What is mental illness? I will allow Jay Adams to speak on this subject:
"Organic malfunctions affecting the brain that are caused by brain damage, tumors, gene inheritance, glandular or chemical disorders, validly may be termed mental illnesses. But at the same time a vast number of other human problems have been classified as mental illnesses for which there is no evidence that they have been engendered by disease or illness at all....The fundamental bent of fallen human nature is away from God....Apart from organically generated difficulties, the 'mentally ill' are really people with unsolved personal problems." (Jay Adams, Competent to Counsel, pp. 28-29)How should a Christian approach sin and guilt? Counseling must first recognize that man has a conscience, man is rebellious, and man therefore experiences real guilt. People must be pointed toward Christ's sacrificial death and resurrection, and they must realize their need to ask forgiveness for sin (both to God and men). Counseling must also stress personal moral responsibility for sin. Failure to recognize one's own responsibility allows a person to deny his own real guilt and avoid the main problem—alienation from a holy God.
Confession, forgiveness of sin through Christ (1 John 1:9), reconciliation with God (2 Cor. 5:17-21), and sanctification are requirements for a "healthy" walk in Christ.
How should a Christian view suffering? Secular psychology cannot alleviate all suffering in a person's life; indeed; it tries to avoid suffering at nearly any cost. Christian psychology believes that suffering can be used of God to bring about positive change in a person's life, whether it is disciplinary, to teach us valuable lessons, or even to teach us to "joyously endure" it. Suffering is inevitable due to sin, but it is not always negative.
The Christian and Society: Marxists and humanists believe that society is the source/cause of all "evil" in this world, but Christians believe that individuals are responsible for the evil in society. Consequently, no man can blame his sin on society, his environment, or anyone else.
"The choice between Christian psychology and all other psychological schools is clear-cut. As Kilpatrick says, 'Our choice...is really the same choice offered to Adam and Eve: either we trust God or we take the serpent's word that we can make ourselves into gods.'" (From Thinking Like a Christian, p. 77; the quote is from William Kilpatrick's book Psychological Seduction, p. 233)
Thinking Like a Christian, Week 5: Ethics
What is right?
Logic demands no other conclusion than this: If we are to have a moral order and real values, there must be absolutes. To deny absolutes is, essentially, to deny moral values; or it merely makes values equivalent to individual opinion.
What is the basis of Christian ethics? In short, it is God and His Word. God's moral nature is absolute and unchanging. He always hates evil and loves good; He never makes up new values according to some providential whim. Christian ethics is grounded in the character of the triune God. Some things conform to God's character; others do not. It is our responsibility to determine what does and what does not conform! Consequently, the Christian moral order is eternal and permanent, because it reflects God's unchanging character, and flows from the nature of the Creator to the nature of His creation.
God's Word is His revelation to us. The Bible teaches us what is good and what is evil. Sin is always a violation of God's moral order. General revelation (creation) points out that a moral order exists; special revelation (the Bible) reveals its specifics. This moral order exists outside of man. It is not a creation of his mind, nor could it be.
God and His Word fully explain the Christian moral order.
What are secular ethics? It is interesting to observe that mankind has a "common moral heritage." Some sins, like murder, child abuse, and torture, are almost universally condemned, while some abstract values, like love, justice, or courage, are nearly always admired. Why? Naturalism certainly can't explain this. Could it be that God has made us capable of learning to discern right from wrong?
Secular ethical systems have two major, insurmountable problems. First, in secular ethical systems, all morals are relative. There are no absolute standards to judge right from wrong; one's own impulses and opinions become the basis for ethics. "Broad is the way that leadeth to destruction" (Matt. 7:13) is the verse that comes to mind. The second major problem is that secular ethical systems are always based on man's thinking. Whether based on naturalistic, economic, or some other philosophy, human ideas are inadequate to form an ethical or moral code. Determining right from wrong becomes nothing more than a baseless exercise of debate.
How should the Christian respond? First, we must recognize that the mind of man cannot create, invent, or discover any "new morals" or "new moral order." It simply can't be done. Christians also need to avoid thinking that there are any less-than-absolute moral values. There is no such thing. Furthermore, Christians need to recognize "new moralities" for what they are: Man's way of attempting to justify doing what he wants to do. This is a fallacy, and deviates from God's code. Morality is to be a lifestyle for glorifying God. Use your life to demonstrate what is right!
What do Christian ethics contain? Obviously, then contain moral absolutes. The Ten Commandments and the Sermon on the Mount are classic examples; reading them provides a wealth of information about right and wrong. Much of the Old Testament, in fact, describes God's moral order, and how He expects His creation to operate. Jesus Christ, of course, is the living example of moral, ethical living. He was and is the perfect role model. The call to follow Christ is perhaps the simplest way to sum up Christian ethics. As He said to Peter at both the beginning (Mark 1:17) and end (John 21:22) of His earthly ministry, "Follow me."
The Christian also has responsibilities. Matthew 22:35-40 gives us what Christ called the two greatest commandments: To love God, and to love one's neighbor as one's self. This kind of love is not merely a form of compassion, but also requires us to be servantlike, meeting both the social and physical needs of others. Our love of God demands that we serve God (John 14:15), working to achieve His will for this world.
We must also realize and remember the implications of sin. To sin is to come short of God's moral order. All have sinned, and sin demands judgment (Romans 3:23, 6:23). Those of us who have accepted Christ as Savior have had our judgment paid, and should serve God lovingly and humbly for the rest of our days. Sin also brings guilt, because God has made us to realize that we "fall short" of the perfection that His holiness demands. Indeed, we are taught that the law was given, to convince us that we fail to keep it (see the book of Galatians)!
Once a person becomes a Christian, the proper response is to have a zealous desire to keep God's moral code—to do what is morally right. It is not for us only to espouse it; we must live it!
"The human mind has no more power of inventing a new value than of imagining a new primary colour or, indeed, of creating a new sun and a new sky for it to move in." C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man, pp. 86-87.
"The Christian ethical system is both like and unlike any other system ever postulated. Every ethical system contains some grain of the truth found in the Christian code, but no other system can claim to be the whole truth, handed down as an absolute from God to man." David Noebel, Thinking Like a Christian, p. 88.
Reminder: This series of "Thinking Like a Christian" entries mirrors what I am teaching in my Sunday School class at Colonial Hills Baptist Church in Taylors, SC. This series goes on hiatus and will, God willing, be resumed later in the year, with five more lessons. The book Thinking Like a Christian is written by David Noebel and makes an excellent resource for the study of worldviews and how Christians ought to live in this present day.
Why I'm Voting for Rick Santorum in the SC Primary
Tomorrow, in the South Carolina GOP Presidential Preferenceprimary, I will be voting for Rick Santorum. Here’s why.
I need to start out by saying that I haven’t been totallythrilled with any of the four remaining candidates. All of them have obvious weaknesses ofcharacter and/or policy which will make their race against Obama less of a lockthan it ought to be. The Republican Partyneeds a leader of the Reagan type, who, like him in 1980, would win 40+ statesand carry a mandate with him to Washington. But since we have four remaining candidates from whom to choose, andsince any of them will be an improvement over the current president, I mustchoose from among them.
Rick Santorum, on the whole, represents my views the mostconsistently. He has been consistentlyand passionately pro-life, and wrote the bill that ended partial birthabortion. On social issues, he and I areof one voice. He is also a firm believerin the Second Amendment (The NRA rates him A+). He opposed TARP, voted against McCain-Feingold and Frank-Dodd, andreceives low ratings from both the ACLU and the AFL-CIO. While I am concerned about the trouncing hetook in the 2006 Pennsylvania Senate race (and, for that matter, the trouncinghe may get here in SC tomorrow, if the polls are valid), he is moredemonstrably opposed to Obama than either Romney or Gingrich. His biggest liability in my eyes is that hedoes not come across as a leader.
Newt Gingrich, at the moment, would be my secondchoice. I agree with him on mostissues—but he occasionally throws one out there that makes me scratch myhead. His personal character history isa serious problem and, even if he has sincerely repented and stays on the righttrack, will be a detriment in the race. (Obama, for all his flaws, has no hint of marital infidelity.) I am also concerned that his ego may become aliability.
Mitt Romney seems to be a conservative now, but my gut justdoesn’t like the fact that he wasn’t while he was the governor ofMassachusetts. I think he can be a greatexecutive, and if he is the GOP nominee, I will vote for him in November. But for now, I’m going with the most consistentconservative.
Ron Paul is problematic. His voting record is often meritorious and often puzzling. The ACLU rates him pretty favorably—that's aproblem. His vicious and untrue attackads concerning Santorum (being shown adnauseam this week on SC TV stations) trouble me. His foreign policy ideas are dangerous to thefuture of our country.
Please educate yourself on the candidates and then take theopportunity to vote.
An Update on our Friends' Adoption!
Friends of ours adopted a 3½-year-old boy with Down's Syndrome from Eastern Europe last summer (see their blog here). They have now had the boy in their home for six months. Their story has been featured on a local TV station and I'm sure many have viewed their blog. In short, their story not only testifies of God's love working through individuals, but also to the value of every individual soul—no matter the limitations of the physical body.
Six months later, there are still trials and struggles, but there has been both remarkable progress and great blessings. The work that God has allowed them to be a part of has now reached all the way back to Russia, and we are so grateful for it! I trust you will take the time to read about it here.
Biblical Thoughts on Worship
My pastor at Colonial Hills Baptist Church (Taylors, SC) preached another sermon this evening in a series on biblical worship. It was another great installment in the series. Because his points were so valuable, I want to share all six of them here.
1. Worship was not designed to be entertaining. Perhaps the most obvious problem with what is called "contemporary worship" is that it is, in fact, designed to entertain those in attendance. We are to "give unto the Lord the glory due unto His name" (Psalm 29:2, 96:8) whether or not it is admired by those around us.
As a corollary point, special music is a ministry, not a performance. I do not believe it is appropriate to applaud special music in a church service, for that gives honor to the person(s) who provides the music, not the God about whom he or she is singing. Let the focus of the music be on Him.
2. Worship is not primarily for the benefit of the individual. Worship is to give God His due, to ascribe to Him the worth which is His. It is not primarily to make us feel better (although, of course, it is certainly acceptable to feel better because you have worshipped biblically).
3. Worship, in its precepts, practices, and principles, is not determined by man. It's not about you. It's not about me. It's about God, and He has a lot to say about how He is to be worshipped in His Word. To think that I have ideas about how to do it "better" is foolish.
4. Worship is not primarily a time of asking but of surrendering. When we come to worship, we must surrender our will to do our own thing.
5. Worship is not primarily to compliment the accomplishments of man. While there is a place and a time for congratulating and thanking those who are worthy of such, it is still not the focus of worship. That focus belongs to God. Corollary points about musicians can be made here, too.
(Side note: It is altogether appropriate to thank the musicians who serve in church, especially if their music enhances biblical worship. We had a men's group this evening do a fine job singing a song with a clear message; for that I am especially thankful.)
6. Worship is not primarily to obtain the accolades of man. If the pastor's sermon draws praise because of his eloquence, logical skills, or creative thought, and not for putting the attention of the congregation on God, there's a problem somewhere. Certainly, there are some pastors who are "menpleasers" instead of "servants of Christ" (Eph. 6:5-7); this is not conducive to true worship.
Christians today need to stand strong against the "redefining" of worship to mean whatever man thinks it should mean. God speaks about the worship He demands; it is wise for us to read what He has given us.
8 Temmuz 2012 Pazar
The Importance of the Resurrection
I want to share a few thoughts today, Easter Sunday, the day we celebrate Christ's resurrection, about the supreme importance of that event. Specifically, let's see what 1 Corinthians 15 says about it.
12Now if Christ be preached that he rose from the dead, how say some among you that there is no resurrection of the dead?
13But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then is Christ not risen:
14And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain.
15Yea, and we are found false witnesses of God; because we have testified of God that he raised up Christ: whom he raised not up, if so be that the dead rise not.
16For if the dead rise not, then is not Christ raised:
17And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins.
18Then they also which are fallen asleep in Christ are perished.
19If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable.
For us who are Christians, this is a sobering thought: If Christ did not rise from the dead, we are without hope and miserable! But the next verses give us great encouragment:
20But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept.
21For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead.
22For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive.
Christ was seen by many people after His resurrection, and two millenia of history testify to His living influence in the lives of countless Christians. And why? Because He is alive!
In a Truly Liberal World....
Sam loves his car. He's named the car "Lucy." Lucy had been his for years now, staying in his garage. He cares for her, washes her, changes her oil regularly, even cleans her tires. In short, he is truly in love with her.
So Sam, being a liberal, decides to marry his car.
Sam goes down to the courthouse and asks the clerk for a marriage license. He has an easy enough time filling out the demographic information for himself, but the part for the other "spouse" is a bit trickier. (Not to mention the fact that it looks suspicious that Lucy's actual age is 7.) He hands the completed paperwork to the clerk, who observes that "Lucy" not only lacks a last name, but is also not present. The clerk asks where Lucy is; Sam replies, quite naturally, that she is outside in the parking lot. The clerk asks if Lucy can come inside; Sam replies, quite naturally, that this is not logistically convenient.
Sam explains that, in a truly liberal world, that the definition of marriage as between "one man and one woman," or as between "any two people" (as the truly liberal government recently redefined it) is discriminatory, and that marriage should be allowed between any two entities, as long as at least one of them is alive. (The current debate in truly liberal society is whether "not alive" is a discriminatory category.) Therefore, he wishes to marry Lucy. The clerk, puzzled by the novelty, gives in and processes the paperwork.
Sam and Lucy go on a brief honeymoon highlighted by a trip to Fred's Auto Detailing.
A few months later, Sam goes to Wal-Mart and upon departing, he realizes to his horror that someone has backed in to his beloved, defenseless Lucy and put an ugly gash in her bumper. He promptly takes her to the auto body shop, where Lucy is evaluated. Repairs are estimated to cost $823.46. Sam is asked how he will pay for it—cash, credit card, etc. Having realized an error in the process himself, he suddenly asks if Lucy should first have gone to a primary care provider, instead of this specialist. The body shop guys look at him like he's sucked on the exhaust pipe. After all, Sam explains, Lucy is his "wife," and she is carried on his insurance policy at work. The body shop guys suddenly decide that Sam really needs to find a "primary care provider" first and get that in order...and then return.
Sam calls his health insurance company and demands that his spouse receive the prompt and humane care she deserves. The health insurance company responds that since Lucy's injuries are not life-threatening, she needs to go to a primary care provider first. They then wrangle over the fact that there are no primary care providers in-network that do auto body work. Eight months later, Sam finally extracts the money from the insurance company—less his deductible—and Lucy is "whole" again.
Time goes by. Lucy is starting to show her age (she's 14 now), and Sam decides to bring home another car. This one is named Sally—and Sally is younger, faster, and goes longer between oil changes than Lucy. Being truly liberal, it never really occurs to Sam that marriage usually just involves two entities.
Lucy and Sam still spend time together, but the love is cooling, and one day Lucy quits running. The auto shop guys—still wary of Sam; they have nicknames like "crackpot" for him back in the garage—report that Lucy's transmission is cooked. It will have to be replaced. The cost will be $2,321.87. Sam leaves Lucy at the shop and goes home to contemplate his choice.
But in this truly liberal world, Sam really doesn't have a choice. What Sam's healthcare provider finally tells him is that auto shop care is now rationed, and unless he finds healthcare—I mean, in this case, transmission care—on the black market, Lucy will be forced into the Cash for Clunkers program. He has her hauled to the junkyard, where the proprietor gives him $75 for Lucy. (In Sam's truly liberal world, this is enough to put a third of a tank of gas in Sally.)
South Carolina DMV related news and 'how to' guides
Hello, welcome to my blog regarding the DMV and the experiences I've had.
For me it's better to do things right the first time. It saves me time, it saves me money and it saves me all that stress. Studies show people with lower stress live longer and live better too IMHO. Since that's true people should definitely invest themselves in using DMV guides like DMV.com since they make it easier for you.
There are lots of dangers on the road without having to stress about the DMV as well. So, I make it a point to leave that stress with some good techniques I've developed (no they do not involve yoga although that may help). Taking a look at a DMV website is easy.
That's it for now.
DMV - Car Items That Really Matter For Everyone
Having an automobile is never as quick as purchasing one, tanking it up, and then driving it around to your heart's desire. There are elements like insurance to keep in mind, as well as registration, inspection, and the inevitable repairs. All these aspects are discussed in detail at DMV. These expenses are often a surprise when somebody has their first automobile, and what surprises them more is how much it might cost them to regularly upkeep. If you do not regularly take care of your automobile, the price of the car's products and accessories you purchase can increase quickly.
Aside from the common car products, car products that many don’t consider until after they have bought their car are specifications for security measures. We would feel stupid installing an alarm on the first vehicle, especially if the car is a old car, but if you live where it might result to being stolen, you might want to do it. It won't matter how much the car is worth, it only matters how much it would cost you to replace it. Other car items for this purpose are stuff like the Club, and they could be a big help as well. You may also want to get something like AAA in all likelihood that you run out of gasoline, you need directions, or you have locked your keys inside the vehicle.
Don't ever forget about the stuff that keep your automobile shiny and looking nice. Some vehicle items, many new car owners get are meant to retain the interior and the exterior dirt-free. Stuff like Windex are needed for the windows, and a lot of people like to wax the paint job. That is definitely a great idea as it makes an older automobile look newer, and it does its part to take care of the paint job in some cases. Other car items might be things especially built to keep interiors clean, whether they be leather or vinyl. There is also the requirement of washing and using a vacuum to take into consideration, although some slack off on those tasks after they have had a vehicle for a while.
DMV - So, Do You Wanna Hear All About Luxury Sports Vehicles?
For most persons a sports vehicle is the vehicle of their dreams. The feel of a starting engine and their hair being pulled back by the wind as their transformable speeds down on the highway, they feel is a fruit worth paying for.
But what if once they acquire the premium automobile of their dreams, and the thrill of victory dies when they grasp that something has went terribly wrong? They suddenly notice they have blown most of their long earned cash on the purchase of their new car, not leaving enough for the acquisition of car insurance. This is when the hunt for a cheap sports vehicle insurance policy begins!
Some ideas to remember when looking for inexpensive sports vehicle insurance:
Compare prices
Shop around for the cheapest premium vehicle insurance policy at DMV.com. This way you will be able to compare the different deals and offers automobile insurance companies are offering.
Customers would also know if they are being treated fairly, since they have a basis of comparison from different sources.
It is also a factor how many individuals are to be covered by a particular insurance company. This is why it is imperative to look into different sources for the best deal. Different insurance companies offer different terms and agreements.
There are numerous automobile insurance companies out that are less expensive premium vehicle insurance.
The key is to find those that are offering sales and special offers for the specific model of automobile and one that cover the buyer's desires, concepts, and dmv lawyers. This way the owning a sports car will be an exhilarating experience.
7 Temmuz 2012 Cumartesi
Words I Hate
I can't remember the first time I heard Wednesday called "Hump Day." I'm pretty sure I din't like it then, I know I don't like it now. To me it just sounds..well stupid. I feel the same way about "genre." Why can't we just say category? we have used that word for decades. Why and when did it become so unpopular? "Fantabulous." Now there's a word that just make you sound like you are too lazy to complement someone with the desired words so you just group them altogether into one dumb word that is not really a word. There are others. I hear and see them everyday in posts, in messages, in interviews and even on the news. I hate them most when people whom I thought were well read and intelligent. When a News Broadcaster that I have listened to for twenty years all of a sudden starts using words just because the public uses them I kind of lose confidence in him/her. I trusted this person to give me the news in his/her language and to be professional. I think we have taken so much away from good grammar and replaced it with so much slang and what I call "Twitter Talk" that the young people (anyone under40) have no idea what it's like to carry on an intelligent understandable conversation.
I received an email the other day from a very educated close relative (can't say the relationship but it was not my son) and I couldn't grasp the reason for the email because of the grammar. It went something like this."Id lk 2 do tht bt I jst cnt gt my hed in 2 it. I wl cll u tmrw wit mor inf ." After this point I just stopped reading it because I don't think you should have to figure out codes when you are reading a personal notes from people. This should be reserved for the Military ans Spies.So I fred off a response that said, "I'm sorry you are too busy to write me but when you get time you can call me.No text please." Now I don't think that was rude but I haven't heard from them since.
So that is my rant for today.
Penny's Cataracts
The sad part came when I was brushing the hair on her face and blowing her dry. I notice that she flinched ( more so than usual) every time I started to touch her face. Upon closer inspection I noticed that she had clouding (cataracts)in both her eyes now. She has had them in her left eye for some time but now they are in both. This explains why she has started to hesitate more when walking and jumping up or down from the couch. I noticed it more in the past two or three weeks that she seems to be disoriented but now I think she just couldn't see where she was going.
It makes me so sad for her. I know what it's like to have cataracts. I had them removed from my right eye two years ago because I was 98% blind in that eye.Now I need my left eye done but it will have to wait a while due to finances. Medicare will not pay for cataract surgery until you are 65. I guess they figure you can stay blind until then. It is upsetting when you have worked and paid all that money in to a system that doesn't want to give back when you need it.
I guess Penny and I will just have to continue to look out for each other. I will be her eyes for her as long as I can. After all she is my heart.
Monday, Monday
Also I am spending a lot more quality time with Penny. She now has cataracts in both eyes and is having a very hard time adapting to getting around. So I am her "people mover" among other things. I don't mind at all. She is such a joy and whatever it takes I will be there for her. She has always been here to comfort me on my bad days and I feel like I owe her so much. As I said before, "I will be her eyes because she is my heart."
When I finish reading this book I plan on working on my book a while. I may not get the chapters correct or the order of events right but at least I will have the words out of my head. That has been a problem for me. The words were there, I just did not want them to come to life. I guess I wasn't ready. The turning point came for me this past week so I am now ready to put it out there for hopefully loads of people to see. I will just have to get it written and find an editor to throw it all in the garbage or tell me it's okay. Whatever happens I'm okay with it.
Penny's Doctor Visit
She is doing good today. She took her antibiotics (liquid of course) like a little trooper and is sleeping soundly on my legs. She starts on heart medication twice a day later this week. The vet had to contract it to a lab that liquefies them for her. You cannot get a pill down her no matter what you do. I was hoping she wouldn't have to take the heart medicine but if it will help her even a little I am willing to do it.
So extra love an hugs for my baby.
Penny's Beauty Salon Day
I will be posting pics of her sweet face when we get back...In the meantime, we have to take a nap in preparation for the trip.
5 Temmuz 2012 Perşembe
Seasons
I retired from my job as a Child Abuse Detective in 1998 and was staying busy with my Consulting Business, doing security work and even selling real estate. I enjoyed traveling and spending time with our two poodles Dolly and Penny. I found myself on the go constantly and enjoying every minute of it. I had this little nagging problem that I called "falling like a tree" but I never let it stop me. I would just get up brush myself off and wait for the "feeling" to come back in my left side.
On September 22, 2005 (my wedding anniversary) my whole world changed. I was dressing to go speak at a luncheon for the league of Women Voters and I "fell like a tree." I managed to regroup and barely arrived in time to speak. I noticed several times I had trouble connecting my words, the "feeling" had not completely returned to my left side and my right knee was killing me from the fall. If anyone in the audience noticed I couldn't tell. I mingled and shook hands for a few minutes before excusing myself to the comfort of my car. Once inside the car I had the feeling that I needed to get my knee checked out and I decided to do that before my husband and I went out to celebrate our anniversary.
I arrived at the hospital around three o'clock and told them what had happened and took a seat to what I figured would be a long wait. To my surprise I had not even finished the paperwork when a nurse called my name and took me back into the ER. She started the routine of blood pressure check which she couldn't seem to get right. She kept asking me if I had a blood pressure problem and I told her no. She kept saying that it was low and should be higher. I informed her it was always low. The next thing I know they are sending me for a CT and I kept asking why because it was my knee that hurt. After a CT and a quick ex-ray of my knee I was seen by a doctor who appeared very serious. I was making jokes about a having a CT when I come in for knee pain and being late for my dinner date. He did not appear amused. It was about then that I began to worry a little. Then he delivered the bombshell that he believed I had suffered a stroke and that I would be admitted for further testing. To this I argued that I was fine and had things to do. In the end I was admitted and called my husband to fill him in. The next day I was seen by a neurologist who explained to me the test that would be done and I was ready to get them over with. A Clerk came into my room to get insurance information and when i told her I had no insurance she excused herself and did not finish the paperwork. Within an hour I was told by the unit nurse that I was being discharged. I was surprised to say the least after just being informed of numerous tests but was glad to go home.
I had a very busy week and never worried about my health. I was not surprised that this particular hospital had released me simply because I was uninsured. They were not known for their great medical technology anyway. They were simply convenient to where I lived. Exactly one week later on the 29th of September I had awoke early and was sitting in my favorite chair with Penny sleeping in my lap.She began to be fidgeting which was not like her. She seemed to want to smell my face and this was also out of character for her. She had always been able to tell when Dolly was going to have a seizure (Dolly had Addison's Disease) and I was thinking that was why she was acting strange even though Dolly was still in bed with my husband. I decided to get up and take her outside. I got up and walked around the side of my chair the few steps to the french doors and fell into the glass and wrought iron dining room table..I had suffered a massive stroke.
Mondays
I just want to thank the people who have visited my blog and read my ramblings. Also I wanted to add that my blog called "Seasons" is a work in progress to be finished as my lazy a** takes the time to work on it. I know the ending doesn't make sense right now but hey, my life has never made sense. So bear with me, I will finish it and maybe you can take something away from it...something like, WTH or maybe now we know why she is the way she is.....
Penny's Beauty Salon Day
I will be posting pics of her sweet face when we get back...In the meantime, we have to take a nap in preparation for the trip.
Sunday,The Love And Death Of A Soul
The truth. Sundays are my day of sadness. It is my day of fear. It is my day of shame. It is my day of fear.
In the summer of 1969 I was working a job that required travelling and I happened to be in a small town in upper East Tennessee. I was staying in a very old Hotel that had no restaurant and dining options were few since I din't know how to drive, The loner part of me often declined invitations from my coworkers to go to dinner with them so I often stayed in my room having snacks for dinner. Occasionally, I would go next door to the Hotel to the Greyhound Bus Station that had a decent diner. It was there that I met my future husband. I was having my usual hamburger and coffee and the jukebox kept playing this same song over and over. The song was called "Dizzy" by Tommy Roe. After hearing it for about the third time and realizing that the machine was not malfunctioning, I turned to see who was playing it. I saw one of the most handsome men I had ever seen standing over the jukebox. Annoyed as I was at hearing the same song over and over I just couldn't bring myself to say anything so I just turned back around to finish my dinner. As I started to turn around our eyes met only a moment and he gave me a smile. I can't remember smiling back but he did come back and set down beside me at the counter. He said "Hi, my name is Larry and I don't know you." I said, "I'm Janie, the one you are irritating with your stupid song." He started laughing and I was so embarrassed because I couldn't believe I had just said that and I thought he was laughing at me. I laid my money on the counter and started to leave when he said "Don't leave because of the music, I won't play it anymore." My biggest mistake was sitting back down. We ended up talking and in retrospect I realize it was all about me and he never answered any questions about himself. He told me that he bought and re-sold cars and "other things." I was too dumb to ask what kind.He did say he was probably too old for me (I was 18 and he was 29) but could he take me out to a "real" restaurant the next night. I was so floored that this good looking gentleman would want to be with me that I said yes.Of course at this point in my life I don't remember ever saying no. It was one of my weaknesses. I was never taught that it was okay to say no and with Larry I'm not sure I would have said no anyway.
I went back to my room that night and all I could think about was this good looking man wanted to go out with me. "Me" the girl from the sticks. The girl who didn't have a high school graduation. The girl who everybody that wanted to had abused and used for the past 13 years. The girl who had always been told how awful she was. I went to work the next day thinking that he would not show up at six o'clock like he said. I got off work at five and in that hour I must have changed clothes at least ten times and redone my hair so many times that it had a can of hairspray in it. At five after six, I started to change clothes again because I was sure he wasn't coming when I heard a knock at the door. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would jump out of my chest when I opened the door to see him standing there. He flashed that heartwarming smile and I was out the door. We walked down the three flights of stairs and I still remember the yellow dress I had decided to wear brushing against the railings. I had felt so special that evening. When we got to his car, he even opened the door for me (no one had ever done that for me) to get in to his newly washed and shiny red 1967 Chevelle. We drove around for a while with him showing me a lot of local spots since I told him I had been nowhere but the hotel and out to eat once or twice. Then he took me to a restaurant called The Windsor. I had been in a few nice restaurants but never on a date. I remember ordering a steak and barely nibbling at it and I noticed a hint of annoyance from him for not eating but I just let it pass. After we ate he suggested we ride around some more and I said sure. I figured he would end up taking me to his place for sex because I thought that was expected. When we rode around for about an hour and then he said "I better get you back because we both have to get up early." I was sure then that he didn't like me at all. I equated "liking" to sex. So when he walked me to the door of my room and pecked me on the cheek I figured I would never see him again. As he walked away, I regretted not asking him in and he just smiled at me and said, "I'll call you tomorrow."
Sometimes the unplanned events in our lives turn out to be the best. There are some things that happen for reasons only God knows about. I know for sure because it has happened to me.
The farthest thing from my mind at age nineteen was having a baby. I had never wanted any children so when I found myself expecting one I was in shock. I had a huge array of feelings running through me but never once thought of ending the pregnancy. I had thoughts of things like,how can I be a Mom,how can I raise a child when I never had a childhood, how will I know what to do and most of all, will I be able to love him or her? The next few weeks seemed to fly by even though I still had my doubts as I hung my head over the toilet sick day and night. No morning sickness for me. It was more like twenty three hour a day sickness. But as the weeks turned into a few months I found myself talking to my baby and telling him/her that I would try to be a good Mom and then one day I just sat down in the floor by the commode and spilled my heart out.
This is what I promised my baby.
First of all, I promise to love you forever no matter what. I promise to try real hard to learn how to take care of you but you will have to be patient with me.I am new at this. I don't even know how to change a diaper or how to feed you.I don't even know how to hold a baby. I know that you are hearing me cry a lot and you know that I am unhappy and scared. I am not crying because I am unhappy about you. I know you hear all the screaming and I know you have taken a few punches when I got hit in the belly. I'm sorry I wasn't able to shield you from that. I will try harder next time. I have been crying because I am hurt a lot and because I don't want to be where I am. I am crying because I can't show my belly off to my family and friends.I am scared because of all the violence in our home. I am scared because I'm afraid you will get hurt. I am scared because I may not be a good Mom. I am scared because I don't know what is coming next. I want everyone to know how glad I am that I will have you to love me as much as I already love you. I am crying because I want your life to be better than mine has been. When I finished telling you all of this I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.I believed that you had heard me and I felt like I was stronger and I could do this.
The next few months were hard. Almost every day was a struggle with so many things to learn as my body changed and as my home life changed. I stayed sick, I cried and the only time I smiled was when I would feel you kick and squirm around. That let me know that you were healthy and safe for now and that was what got me through those days.
On the night of June 15th you decided it was time to make your entrance into the world. I was so naive that I thought I could postpone it. I was not ready. I had not learned any of the things that a Mom needs to know. I still didn't know how to change diapers, change your clothes or even feed you. I was in a panicked state of mind. I couldn't get your Father to take to the hospital so I called a cab. It was a bumpy ride to the hospital but you were such a good baby that you were real quiet during the ride. Once we arrived at the hospital it seemed you had changed your mind and decided you were not ready for this either. With the help of a wonderful and caring doctor you came into this world on June 16th and my life was forever changed.
I thought I knew what it meant to love someone with all your heart but I was wrong. When I first saw you little tiny face and looked into your eyes I saw my whole world inside those eyes. I felt the most intense love I have ever known. I started to cry tears of joy. I could not believe that God had given me a gift so beautiful, so innocent and yet so strong when you curled your little hand around my finger. That was the moment I felt that I was really a Mom.
I know your childhood was not easy but I tried. I had to learn as I went because I had never had anyone to teach me about Motherhood. I made so many mistakes and let you down so many times but you always had that wonderful charming little smile that could melt any heart.
As the years went by you always amazed me with your antics, your charm but most of all by your intelligence. You were reading by four and never slowed down from there. I saw my little baby turn into a brilliant young man almost overnight.
Today when I look at you and see the man you have become I am so very proud to say I am your Mom. I did not make you the man you are, you did that on your own. You accomplished far more than I could have ever dreamed. Despite having a Mom who did not know anything about being a Mom, Taking care of yourself while I worked two jobs and rarely having a Father figure in your life you became a wonderful,intelligent, funny and loving man. I could go on and on about all your good qualities but anyone who knows you already knows about them.
So as another Mother's Day approaches I just wanted to let you know what it means to me to be your Mom. I hope you now know that I am the one honored to be called your Mom. You, my son are my best accomplishment. I love you.
4 Temmuz 2012 Çarşamba
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